Avast then Billy Bones and No-Beard! On each excursion aboard The Good Ship we voyage forth to find anew all that the academic and editorial left have pillaged, plundered, desecrated, burned and buried! But then there are even greater perils when returning home with our hold filled with treasures. For while the tempestuous ocean of Reality may be at heart indifferent, the contemporary liberal bureaucrat is governed by malicious tendencies. Know ye that the modern liberal academic believes not in the Truth, and thus they dedicate their career to eradicating Its existence, so that Reality might match their soul. While the true scientist and artist seek to match the order in their soul and their divine work to Reality, the uncreative postmodern critic and feminist writer seek to subjugate Nature to their mediocre minds.

The intellectually deficient liberal academic is empowered via the destruction of man's spiritual monuments. For those monuments, embodied in Great Literature, serve to remind people of the moral Truth. And in their context, the insignificance of the liberal elite's volumes of criticism about criticism and lesbian poetry is exposed. Within the words of the Classics are immortalized the deeds of the Great Characters, and thus so too are the ideals of Honor, Courage, Commitment, the yearning for Independence and Freedom, and the Truth. Neither Great Narratives nor Great Men can exist without Great Characters. But in contemporary America the neon MTV leftists and their friends at Princeton and USA Today are doing everything within their power to convince the population that Character and the Truth are irrelevant. Look at Douglas "the voice of generation-x because I say nothing" Copland's books. And look at Bill "the paragon of leaders because I have no soul" Clinton. The resentniks have realized that a great way to socialize a nation is to destroy private property, and man's most fundamental private property is the Truth.

A large contingent of the "free love" boomer generation, now participating in their third or fourth marriage, think that this characterless, truthless philosophy is cool. It assuages their guilt for not caring about what their children are taught while they're off having affairs and spending their money on some new-age shrink. They're glad that abortion is legal because it allowed 'em more time to excel in their careers and litigate and sue and things to earn the money that they didn't have to spend raising unwanted kids. Instead they spent it on a Mustang or something. They seduce the young, untempered soul with false promises of free-love and give them condoms in school instead of Shakespeare. They take our tax dollars and fund journals of poetry and prose which inspire us to stop reading so that they can get government grants to help improve literacy, which they use to fund more journals which nobody reads, except for their wacko "arts and croissants" friends who feel empowered when they read what another wacko wrote. They do this because they care about you. They want you to feel good. So that you don't mind that your Western spiritual heritage by which moral freedom was born is being desecrated by socialist losers, they provide you with quality programming like MTV's Singled Out. So that you won't mind that there's no cool literature being published, they give you Rikki Lake. They have it all worked out for your comfort and convenience. You will lose all interest in reading, and thus you will lose contact with the device by which we become acquainted with our moral consciences-- words reflecting the Truth. And once you lose your God-given Will for the Truth, you will be much happier, as you will have achieved refinement. You will have been educated and cultured, and you will have arrived. When you are lied to, cheated on, or stolen from by a liberal, you will know to politely rationalize that it is just politics as usual, and that it must be done for the greater good of humanity. You will have learned that the absolute truth does not exist, and thus being lied to should not be considered coming in second place. Everybody wins, unless you are a Christian or some other type of right-wing wacko. It is OK that dad cheated on mom, because it was in his biological nature. It was a good thing he did so, as God does not exist, and to remain faithful would be dishonest in such a context, as he would have been going against mother nature. Science says so, and it also says that we live in a whimsical, quantum mechanical world, where the observer creates his own reality and the socialist critic knows what Shakespeare really meant, and will tell you for $30,000 a year. Your fate will be taken out of your hands, and you will be cared for by Experts in Compa$$ion who were professionally trained by Marxist professors to care for you. They'll take care of you and raise your children. They'll put your check in the mail each month, and you can find some shrink, pull out some health-care card, and they will prescribe all the appropriate pills to help you ignore the void of your missing soul.

The socialist pervert doesn't want the moral individual to make it on his own. Having nowhere to go in their uncreative mind, the amoral liberal does not benefit from Freedom, and thus they conclude that you shouldn't either. Thus they find it their sacred duty to institute creative writing workshops with your tax and tuition dollars so that they can designate who shall be a Great Writer, rather than letting God, the free market, and the rugged individual work it out on their own. The editorial and professorial elite have formed a bureaucratic blockade about this nation's intellectual harbors. About our primary cultural ports they have laid underwater feminist charges, and mine-fields of liberal reporters and editors, so that the white male liberal administrators might never be challenged directly by those who speak the Truth, as those that do will not be tenured, nor hired, nor published, nor recognized, nor mentioned in THE BARNACLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION. If ever ye should return from a Voyage of Discovery with yer hold filled with Pearls of Wisdom, ye'd be wise to be wary of the liberal critics and everyone else who has nothing to lose by eradicating spiritual beauty. These kamikaze resentnik pawns won't hesitate to try to take ye down to their unfathomable depths. Feel free to study their behavior on our new newsgroup, alt.culture.jollyroger.

Avast! The profound is an unwelcomed entity among the aging elite, for its golden gleam makes apparent the tarnished hue of their corrupted institutions. And I have learned not to underestimate the wrath liberal bureaucracies will loose upon those who expose their inefficiencies and ineptitude. Nay Captain Redbeard! There is no promise that those of us who write Great Literature shall ever return to share our story with the people, but for the Promise that we make to ourselves. The Promise which comes from our Sense of Duty and which we read what another wacko wrote. They do this because they care about you. They want you to feel good. So that you don't mind that your Western spiritual heritage by which moral freedom was born is being desecrated by socialist losers, they provide you with quality programming like MTV's Singled Out. So that you won't mind that there's no cool literature being published, they give you Rikki Lake. They have it all worked out for your comfort and convenience. You will lose all interest in reading, and thus you will lose contact with the device by which we become acquainted with our moral consciences-- words reflecting the Truth. And once you lose your God-given Will for the Truth, you will be much happier, as you will have achieved refinement. You will have been educated and cultured, and you will have arrived. When you are lied to, cheated on, or stolen from by a liberal, you will know to politely rationalize that it is just politics as usual, and that it must be done for the greater good of humanity. You will have learned that the absolute truth does not exist, and thus being lied to should not be considered coming in second place. Everybody wins, unless you are a Christian or some other type of right-wing wacko. It is OK that dad cheated on mom, because it was in his biological nature. It was a good thing he did so, as God does not exist, and to remain faithful would be dishonest in such a context, as he would have been going against mother nature. Science says so, and it also says that we live in a whimsical, quantum mechanical world, where the observer creates his own reality and the socialist critic knows what Shakespeare really meant, and will tell you for $30,000 a year. Your fate will be taken out of your hands, and you will be cared for by Experts in Compa$$ion who were professionally trained by Marxist professors to care for you. They'll take care of you and raise your children. They'll put your check in the mail each month, and you can find some shrink, pull out some health-care card, and they will prescribe all the appropriate pills to help you ignore the void of your missing soul.

The socialist pervert doesn't want the moral individual to make it on his own. Having nowhere to go in their uncreative mind, the amoral liberal does not benefit from Freedom, and thus they conclude that you shouldn't either. Thus they find it their sacred duty to institute creative writing workshops with your tax and tuition dollars so that they can designate who shall be a Great Writer, rather than letting God, the free market, and the rugged individual work it out on their own. The editorial and professorial elite have formed a bureaucratic blockade about this nation's intellectual harbors. About our primary cultural ports they have laid underwater feminist charges, and mine-fields of liberal reporters and editors, so that the white male liberal administrators might never be challenged directly by those who speak the Truth, as those that do will not be tenured, nor hired, nor published, nor recognized, nor mentioned in THE BARNACLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION. If ever ye should return from a Voyage of Discovery with yer hold filled with Pearls of Wisdom, ye'd be wise to be wary of the liberal critics and everyone else who has nothing to lose by eradicating spiritual beauty. These kamikaze resentnik pawns won't hesitate to try to take ye down to their unfathomable depths. Feel free to study their behavior on our new newsgroup, alt.culture.jollyroger.

Ahoy then Diogenes, The Mink of The Mayflower, Fearless Ruth and Bootsy "Board 'Em in The Smoke" McCluskey! Full speed ahead on the WWW! The new technology has allowed us to build a frigate which would make the founding fathers proud of their first amendment! Prepare to ram the liberal Blockade! Up with the skull and bones! The flag'll catch a bit of extra wind. Everyone stand up straight and square yer shoulders to catch a little more! Man the Western Canon and be generous with the powder and shot as we pass on by the waterlogged postmodern vessels! For the cool, hard-working, thinking, contemplating, caring, and concerned moral people scattered 'cross the fruited plane, many of whom are not embarrassed to raise their own kids and teach them to tell the Truth, shall have THE DRAKE RAFT FIELD TRIP. And the words within shall exalt the honest and strike fear into the hearts of those who are today murdering me Western heritage! Woe to ye who refrain from teaching us to respect and honor the founding fathers who pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor in order to form a nation that allows the individual to speak the Truth, and instead teach us that there is nothing to be taught! Woe to ye postmodern Presidents who rose to prominence not by yer intellectual and moral accomplishments, but by yer intellectual and moral indifference. Woe to ye Chancellors who look not to serve the tax and tuition-paying people of this Great Nation, but who instead seek to serve the tenured tax and tuition-spending fruitloops. Woe to ye who have never created and make yer living off of destroying that which others have. For yer sprawling bureaucracy is today blocking the course of me pristine Truth carrying vessel! And there's a bunch of cold ones awaiting me and me stalwart crew in the Roger's Lodge, and ye pernicious liberals are obstructing our foreordained path! Ye have been well-warned. The Oak Keel of me mighty frigate will match yer intellectual indifference and deceit with its moral purpose as it splits yer postmodern hull in two! And thenceforth throughout eternity shall the greater part of the postmodern literary empire reside in Davey Jones' locker. I say me ship is carrying the peoples' cargo, and I say I am coming home!

Love your work in MISC.WRITING, though I doubt you have made much progress towards the enlightenment of that group. I'm not scared of much -- I jump outta planes for kicks -- but I'm terribly afraid of the Brave New World the liberal sheep are trying to drag us into. It WILL come if WE don't stop it! I see a world with Maya Angelou in every book shop, on every shelf, and nothing else. Help!

THE CAPTAIN RESPONDS: Avast! We see a world with THE DRAKE RAFT FIELD TRIP on every shelf, alongside Shakespeare, MOBY DICK, and HUCK FINN!